Thou changest not thy compassions they fail no.. as thou hast been thou forever will be. Great is thy faithfulness... Your faithfulness has always amazed me because my unfaithfulness to you grieves me. How God? How can I be worshiping and praising you one moment and the very next involved in wickedness? How is that even possible? The worst part of all is when I don't feel anything but numbness. Like my heart and mind go numb. I'm not sad, I'm not feeling guilty, I feel numb. Like all those feelings result in no change so I just don't let myself feel anything. But, deep inside, I am sad. If I'm being really honest, I'm disappointed in myself. I am so ashamed. I shake my head as it hangs low. How can I say I'm sorry forgive me when I keep doing the same thing? Caught again, your faithless friend. Don't you ever tire of hearing what a fool I've been? Guess I should pray but what do I say? It hurts to know the hundred times I've caused you pain. The forgive me sounds so empty when I never change. Yet you stay and say you love me still forgiving me time and time again. It's your stubborn love, that never lets go of me, I don't understand how you can stay perfect love, embracing the worst in me... Do you still love me God? I knw that's so stupid. You love has nothing to do with me and everything to do with Christ. Everyting within me wants to mak this life all about me. It's really hard not to. GOd I feel lonely. I feel far from you. Well further than normal. I feel all over the place at times. I'm sorry for giving you the scraps of my day. That's just ugly. See, now I'm sleepy. Let me just thank you for your love and grace. I need your grace. I need more to overcome these things. These many many things. And to keep my head up. And to trust you. And to hear you. I figure I am not hearing you to move out so maybe that means stay. I dunno. I have never felt sure about leaving. But then again, it makes sense mentally. I don't know when to listen to wisdom and when to wait on you. It's all too confusing God! I know this, if I were to try to bring order here, all hell would break lose. I am the woman though, it's not my place to set things straight, right. I just serve love and live my live for you. But does living for you involve InT? I dunno, GOd. I am so confused about everything. Grace! I need your grace. I'm tired of trying to figure it out and I'm more tired of not worrying about it cause that's easy for me. I can just ya know, ignore it, cope, look past it. I don't know how to find peace and trust you with all these confusing things. The bottom line, GOd is I am afraid I am wasting my life away.

Prayer changes things. It changes us. And there are times in which God waits for us to ask for things because his plan is that we work with him in the glorious process of bringing his will to pass here on earth. -rcs

Help me God ti be a woman of prayer. Show me the results in my life, I know I want to see answers but I also want to see change. Change in me and my desires my heart and most of all change when I speak to people about you. Power from on high. I hate the idea of my words being what everyone is hearing, my wisdom being given to people, my ideas, my dumb mind which has already ruined my own life. Thank you for your saving grace which makes all things new. Make me new Jesus, my life, make it new. I need a fresh start, like you gave to Job you gave him a new start. I am not asking you to remove what I have now but the unfruitful, dead, ugly waste in my life, my marriage, my dead relationships, my ugliness, burn it up and refine me.. refine it. Show me God why I need to pray. Show me why it is so important. I feel you calling me, drawing me. I am writing so I can be disciplined in what I want to pray for. Place on my heart what you want me to pray for God. Give me the focus and energy I need to pray for what I need to pray for.

Today God I ask for my voice to work right. Such a dumb thing to ask for I know but so important to me. Remember God when I asked you to help me to know Spanish and I learned it so quickly. This is one of those prayers. I can't stop askin cause the burning in my soul won't go away. I pray for Bonnie's necklace to be found if at all possible. Bring it back to her God. God I ask you now to fix my marriage and by that I am asking you to lead my husband to you. Let him know how beautiful life can be walkin with you God.

Today I felt like nothing but I big fat failure. I can't seem to get a hold of myself God. My life feels so chaotic. I don't know why. People of the world have got it together better than me and they don't even have you. Maybe that's why I accept what my husband says to me about who I am, I fear that if anyone else knew how off I am, they would despise me. Sometimes I think, I don't blame my husband for hating me, I hate many things about myself too. I can't tell if I'm depressed or lazy or apathetic. I dunno God. All I can cry is help. Help me be more like you. Help me get my life under some control. What next God? What next? My heart is heavy and there are no words to express what it's saying. I think I've said everything there is to say, I've prayed every prayer, I recognize that I need you desperately to even get out of bed each day. I can't even do the dumb dishes without praying for help. I'm pathetic, God. I think I'm an embarrassment to your kingdom. I am so grateful you still love me. I'm so glad it's not based on me. So very glad. Thank you for loving me so faithfully even though no one deserves it less than me. No one, God. I'm so blessed. I pray for my friends who are lost, save them God. Tracie, Nikki, Adan, Andy, Karen, my dad and anyone else in my family who has deceived me into believing they are saved. Marlene, Maribel and Jesus. Melina, Nando, my inlaws and Adriana, her family. God so many people are lost. So many of my friends are lost... Thank you that I can come to you in prayer. You have my heart, God, you really have my heart. Draw me even closer to you.

Dear God,

Thank you for everything. For standing with me though I fail, for not giving up on me in my worst states, for your faithfulness. I don't deserve it God, I don't deserve any of it. I am grateful.I keep falling into the same traps over and over. Why can't I overcome, God? How many times will I go down the same path before I learn? Now the question about my current circumstances, my marriage, the question is not how much more can I take, it's how long will I let this go on? I see changes in my boldness in my leading, I see changes, in my hatred for my sin, most of it anyway. I see changes in not trying to prove myself to my husband who despises me and still being able to love him. But now what God? We know my ability to numb myself to be able to cope. Especially when he's not angry at me. I am so good at numbing myself. Somewhere in me I want to call it you giving me the grace to live in this. But then I am confused cause surely you haven't called me to stay in it like this, right? Honestly, I deep down think you want me here. To stay here, but not in my spirit, I feel like I know that in my jacked up mind. I pray for a clear head, a clear heart. Show me what to do God. I need you. I need to hear you badly. I am terrified to waste away. If you've already spoken to me and I missed it, speak again God. Don't let me keep making or start to make a mistake in this marriage. Please let it be abundantly clear what I am supposed to do next and what next means. Forgive me for being afraid. Afraid of you and for not trusting you. Help me rid myself of all this ugly fear. I pray for boldness when I speak to people about you. I am sick of my mind and wisdom. I pray for the power of your Holy Spirit, your anointing. I don't want to contribute my wisdom to peoples lives, I want to be a vessel that brings forth your holy truth. Speak through me, God. I pray for my lost friends, I think about them often and pray throughout the day. I worry for them. Where will they spend eternity? Thank you that you are slow to anger and RICH in love. wow! Rich in love. Thank you for your patience with me. And you know the secret prayer of my heart, I KNOW you will answer this for me <3

I used to love journaling my prayers and worship to you God. I want to try to start doing this again. I have no words God, to pray, to express what I think. When I try to pray, I can't. My heart feels heavy and it feels like I just plug into you and you hear me. My heart is so heavy God. Just heavy about so man things. My marriage. My work, my personal life, my walk with you. My family and friends who are lost. My failures my future. I feel like I carry so much. But wait, you yolk is easy and your burden is light. I am not doing something right. I don't want to lose my burden for those who are far from you. Let's start to pray... I'm horrified to think that so many people I love are going to hell. Horrified. If it's true that you've only chosen some then I'm just at a loss. Why would you place this burden within me and then make it where I can do nothing about it. Please help me make peace with this. So many God so many. My husband... my dad... Sarah, Adriana, Karen, Marlene, Maribel, Jesus, Melina, Tracie, Nikki, Adan, my uncle Andy, Kenna, so many others God. So many others. It's too much. Too many people are far from you and don't care. I dont want to approach you weakly, show me what I am missing to come to you with boldness and to pray with faith and confidence. Forgive me for what I lack God, thank you for your Holy Spirit that intercedes for me according to your will. Even if I don't get it, He is setting straight my errors. Help me speak with power God. I'm so sick of my own wisdom and philosophies, giving good advice, words of wisdom. So sick of it, there is no power in it. No change happens. It's just me talking. I want you to speak through me. I want your power in my life. Power to bring your truth to people, power to walk according to your purposes, power to live a life of purity consecrated unto you. Help me God. Make me a worshiper of you. A true worshiper.