Thou changest not thy compassions they fail no.. as thou hast been thou forever will be. Great is thy faithfulness... Your faithfulness has always amazed me because my unfaithfulness to you grieves me. How God? How can I be worshiping and praising you one moment and the very next involved in wickedness? How is that even possible? The worst part of all is when I don't feel anything but numbness. Like my heart and mind go numb. I'm not sad, I'm not feeling guilty, I feel numb. Like all those feelings result in no change so I just don't let myself feel anything. But, deep inside, I am sad. If I'm being really honest, I'm disappointed in myself. I am so ashamed. I shake my head as it hangs low. How can I say I'm sorry forgive me when I keep doing the same thing? Caught again, your faithless friend. Don't you ever tire of hearing what a fool I've been? Guess I should pray but what do I say? It hurts to know the hundred times I've caused you pain. The forgive me sounds so empty when I never change. Yet you stay and say you love me still forgiving me time and time again. It's your stubborn love, that never lets go of me, I don't understand how you can stay perfect love, embracing the worst in me... Do you still love me God? I knw that's so stupid. You love has nothing to do with me and everything to do with Christ. Everyting within me wants to mak this life all about me. It's really hard not to. GOd I feel lonely. I feel far from you. Well further than normal. I feel all over the place at times. I'm sorry for giving you the scraps of my day. That's just ugly. See, now I'm sleepy. Let me just thank you for your love and grace. I need your grace. I need more to overcome these things. These many many things. And to keep my head up. And to trust you. And to hear you. I figure I am not hearing you to move out so maybe that means stay. I dunno. I have never felt sure about leaving. But then again, it makes sense mentally. I don't know when to listen to wisdom and when to wait on you. It's all too confusing God! I know this, if I were to try to bring order here, all hell would break lose. I am the woman though, it's not my place to set things straight, right. I just serve love and live my live for you. But does living for you involve InT? I dunno, GOd. I am so confused about everything. Grace! I need your grace. I'm tired of trying to figure it out and I'm more tired of not worrying about it cause that's easy for me. I can just ya know, ignore it, cope, look past it. I don't know how to find peace and trust you with all these confusing things. The bottom line, GOd is I am afraid I am wasting my life away.