Dear God,

Thank you for everything. For standing with me though I fail, for not giving up on me in my worst states, for your faithfulness. I don't deserve it God, I don't deserve any of it. I am grateful.I keep falling into the same traps over and over. Why can't I overcome, God? How many times will I go down the same path before I learn? Now the question about my current circumstances, my marriage, the question is not how much more can I take, it's how long will I let this go on? I see changes in my boldness in my leading, I see changes, in my hatred for my sin, most of it anyway. I see changes in not trying to prove myself to my husband who despises me and still being able to love him. But now what God? We know my ability to numb myself to be able to cope. Especially when he's not angry at me. I am so good at numbing myself. Somewhere in me I want to call it you giving me the grace to live in this. But then I am confused cause surely you haven't called me to stay in it like this, right? Honestly, I deep down think you want me here. To stay here, but not in my spirit, I feel like I know that in my jacked up mind. I pray for a clear head, a clear heart. Show me what to do God. I need you. I need to hear you badly. I am terrified to waste away. If you've already spoken to me and I missed it, speak again God. Don't let me keep making or start to make a mistake in this marriage. Please let it be abundantly clear what I am supposed to do next and what next means. Forgive me for being afraid. Afraid of you and for not trusting you. Help me rid myself of all this ugly fear. I pray for boldness when I speak to people about you. I am sick of my mind and wisdom. I pray for the power of your Holy Spirit, your anointing. I don't want to contribute my wisdom to peoples lives, I want to be a vessel that brings forth your holy truth. Speak through me, God. I pray for my lost friends, I think about them often and pray throughout the day. I worry for them. Where will they spend eternity? Thank you that you are slow to anger and RICH in love. wow! Rich in love. Thank you for your patience with me. And you know the secret prayer of my heart, I KNOW you will answer this for me <3